I Had Bottom Teeth For A Hour (written 5/13/2009)

Yesterday I had a Dr.'s Appt. and for the 1st time in a long while I was excited about this visit. I went to try on my splint with teeth on it. It felt so, so good to have teeth in and a full face, even though it was short lived. I am happy at this stage in my treatment b/c it's getting close to my last surgery (my implants), which should be in 4 wks from now. I also received wonderful news, my Dr. told me that they will wire me some dentures in my mouth the same day of my implant surgery. That makes me really happy b/c at first i was told that i had to wait a couple of months for my implants to heal before i get teeth. Now I can get temporary teeth before my perm. implants, I am excited. Finally some good news, Iam trying not to get too happy b/c things always come up. I can't believe it, I will have teeth in 4 wks. GOD is Good, All the Time.
My Dr. also said they will release my front lip muscles so the sink in my lower lip will not be there. I will look as close to my old self as possible.
After a mth. and a couple of wks, I will be back at work and life will be back to normal . I am looking forward to that. I haven't worked steady since Aug. 2008. I cant wait for the day when I smile and talk and my lip don't twist or the day I have a full normal looking face. It's almost here, I am about to Take my Life Back with My Battle with AMELOBLASTOMA.

Still Waiting 4 Surgery (written 4/22/2009)

I am still waiting on a surgery date, still waiting 4 a call from my doctor. Why do this stuff take so long. I had a special x-ray that showed I have plenty of bone for my implants. So I just don't understand what the hold up is. I need this surgery done and over, like yesterday. I feel so bad complaining about my appearance, especially after I saw a woman who was shoted in the face by her boyfriend on a talk show one day. I remember thinking my outer appearance problems is so,so small compared to her one. I felt ashamed, selfish, ect. Then I tolded myself it's ok for me to want my old face back, and after everything I been though, I earned the right to compliant. I relied anyone with some kind of face deformities rather it's big or small will want to be normal again. I just need to cheer up becaused I already won half of the battle with Ameloblastoma. I will keep you informed. SANDRA

Half OF MY Face (written 3/20/2009)

This is how i take pictures theses days. i am so,so unhappy and upset. My Dr said I will not got my implant as schedule because my case is complicated. He will have 2 meet with LSU Dental and they will have 2 work together 2 get me implants and dentals. I am mad because 4 mths was long either 2 wait, now I have 2 wait GOD knows how long. I am depressed, I tried 2 stay positive thur out all of this, but now it is wearing me down. why don't this Dr. know this is my life, I been out of work sent Aug. 2008. I can't start a new job for a few weeks and go out on a leave for a surgery and expect someone 2 hold my job. It just don't work like that. I need 2 have this surgery, so i can recovery, then go 2 work. I hate talking 2 people and my mouth twist 2 one side, i hate it. I most of the time stay in the house and I am tire of that. I do not attent an parties, wedding, ect because of my face. I just want 2 be normal again, I want the old me back, I want 2 live again. LORD please help me because I am at a low place right now, I am so tire. I know, in a year this will all be behind me and I will read back on this and it will seem so long ago, but right now this is so real. I feel so along, but I know iam not, all I have to do is go to the support group website. I am just emotionally, physically, and mentally hurting today more than normal and don't get me wrong I have a big family, husband, and 2 beauiful children; but until this happens 2 you, you just don't know, you have no idea what we go thur with AMELOBLASTOMA. It's a nightmare!!!

I Went To LAS VEGAS (1/26/2009)

This is some pictures I took while I was in Vegas, I had to get away, my friend,Angel & I went.

Pictures after 2nd Surgery (written 1/13/2009)

This is how i look simce my 2nd surgery. Iam kind of depressed. I barely leave my house. I am presently not employed, yet my Dr. gave me the o.k. to go back to work. People stare at me in public, they even ask, " Girl what happen to you". I am so, so tired of telling my story about AMELOBLASTOMA. I just want this to go away. I want my life back. I just want my implants!!!! I just want this over!!!!! I know i have alot to be thankful for; my bone graft is a success, i am a nurse, i have a beauiful family and home, ect. Still i can't help feeling sad because at the end of the day, I look at me in the mirror everyday. Lord please forgive me from sounding so ungraceful. My dr. told me last week that i can't get implants until 4 mths from now. That makes me feel so sad. It takes alot out of me to go it public and talk to people with the big sink under my lip and my lips twist when i talk and smile. Today is just not a good day for me.

HELLO, IT'S ME!!!! (written 9/13/2008)

Hello, sorry I haven't been writing, I been wrapped up with Hurricane Gustuv. I had to evacuate to another state, and I have lots of damage to my home. I have a doctor's appt Monday (9/15/2008). I will try to get my next surgery date moved up as much as possible. I want this nightmare behind me. I just wanted to check it, I will post pictures next time.Stay tune, Sandra

More Photos

The 2 pictures with the yellow gown is taken 3 wks after surgery. The other 2 with me sitting on the sofa was taken today. I thought most of my swelling was gone until I went to the store today and I saw a friend who stated, " Oh Sandra, what happen to your face, it's so big". I felt so bad, b/c I really thought I looked o.k. I am so really to start my reconstruction surgery. My chin is always shiny looking, I am constantly drool without realizing it, esp. at night when Iam sleeping (It's better than when I first had surgery). Cold air directly on my face hurts and the numbness is so real, it's hard to get use of. Someone please tell me that this will pass and I will be normal again!!! I know, I should be grateful to GOD for everything, he got me thur this and I have talented doctors. I am so really to go to work, this is not like me, to sit at hm all day. My next appt. is Sept. 2, 2008, maybe I will get the o.k. to return to work. I have only 1 compliant, I have daily headaches since surgery. I will keep you updated. Sandra

UPDATE (written 8/21/2008)

Hi everyone, I made it thur my 1st surgery!!!! There were some complications during surgery, I was supposed to be cut inside my mouth only, not outside. My airway was so swollen, I had to be interbated and put in the critical care unit for 2 days (that's scary). I stayed in the hs for 7 days. I am not looking forward to my 2nd surgery, even though it will bring me closer to ending this nightmare.I can't open my mouth wide. I still hurt, but I am so tire of taking medications. The whole right side of my face is numb, but I don't look as bad as I thought I would. When I talk or smile, you can't see my bottom teeth, so that is really it my favor. I just need to thank GOD for what it is b/c it could be so much worst. I will post a before and now picture soon. I have to take one so you can see how much the swelling has subsided.

Photos Before and After ( written 8/14/2008)

My mouth, it's swollen, with only 3 bottom teeth, My J P Drain under my neck. Me with a NG Tube , and a picture of me before surgery, I look scared.I just wanted to post a few pictures, I am in lots of pain and I am is so weak, will keep you posted.

Today Is My Brother's Day (written 8/5/2008)

Today is my brother birthday, Mr Leslie ( I one that died in March). He would have made 28 yrs old today. He has a 3 yr. old daughter, this is her in the photos. Since like I had so many bad things happen 2 me, this year alone. This baby will grow up without her father, whom adored her. She looks exactly like him too. I feel emotionally drained with everything.I will eat everything in sight tomorrow before 12 am. I will write again whenever I am released from the hs and feel up to it. SANDRA

I Passed My NCLEX Exam (written 8/3/2008)

I got good news, I passed my NCLEX exam. I took it Friday morning before my Dr.'s appt. I walked out of that test feeling stupid, I just knew I failed. The worst part is waiting 2 days for the results . So I am officially, Mrs Sandra RN. My excitement was short lived b/c I started thinking about my surgery Thursday. I found myself feeling sorry and becoming anger all over again, until I watched ER on television. There was a 25 yr old female,who went to the ER 4 time for treatment, & was sent hm each time with little interventions done. The last time, she was so sepsis, there was nothing anyone could do to save her life. She have 3 small children. It made me really realize how valuable life is. Our time here is so short, we have to live everyday like it's our last one. I remember thinking, What kind of person am I? Here I am complaining about having surgery and how I will look. I started thinking GOD for what it is b/c I could be that girl, or have a malignant tumor instead of a benign one. My GOD is a good GOD and I know he will not forsake me, he carried me 2 far 2 leave me now. I have always prayed for 2 GOD 4 2 things:1. To let me live long enough 2 raise my own babies.2. To please, please not let bury any of my babies.So I guess I need 2 start looking at all the positive things, like; l will finally get days at home alone.After saying all that, I am still devastated about having a tumor that will alter my face for months. On top of everything, I finally (today), told my mom about my tumor. I didn't go into great details, b/c she worry about everything. She has uncontrolled HTN and is still mourning over my brother, who was murdered March 30,2008. All of us is still grieving, it only been 5 mths since my brother passed, I was still in school, that was hard. Everyone pray for me to be mentally, emotionally, and physically o.k., I will keep you posted

Last Pictures Before Surgery (written 8/1/2008)

Today, Aug 1 , I look how I feel. This been a very long day. I wanted to get a good photo of my chin, before Thursday (surgery day) for my before and after photos.

The Sandra's Story

Today I did all my per- surgery stuff {chest x-ray, ekg, blood work, talk to anest.}. This is so real!!, how could this happen to me? Me, the one everyone come to for advise, Me, the one who always fix all troubles that life throws. For the first time can't do a damn thing to stop this surgery or fix my own problem.Let me start from the beginning and tell you about me, so you can understand why me having this tumor is so hard. I am the oldest of 5 children, raised by a single parent, my mom. My father died when I was 2 yrs old & my sister was 1. I always had to overcome so many obstacles. Growing up I didn't have alot and I wanted more out of life. I am the first and only one in my immediate family to grad. high school. My mom didn't make me go to school, I had the drive to achieve my own goals. My sisters & brothers dropped out of school. As a senior in high school I gaved birth to my son & began life as a single mom. After I grad. I walked 20 mins everyday to work rain or shine for a year, until I got enough money for a used car. I was never the type to sit down and make up excuses , or just except things for what it was. I knew that no one owed me anything , I was the only one that could change my life, so I went out and got it. I later met my husband, & 4 yrs later came my daughter. I went to college for 4 yrs and a couple of mths ago grad. as an RN. My final goal is to become an anesthetist.I never excepted failure or defeat, now I find myself battling this nasty tumor, and I feel so defeated. That is why I am so mad because I hate feeling so helpless. This was no suppose to happen to me, not me Sandra the Almighty. Let me tell you a little secret about me, I have a big pride problem. I know, one would say" Just get over it, and be prepared for whatever life throws your way, after all you're in the health care profession." And I say " It's not that easy, it kills me to the core, just the thought of me without my bottom teeth for almost 2 yrs, it hurt me just the thought of my gum, teeth, & bone being riped out of my mouth." Words can't describe how I feel. I feel like my back is against a wall and I been pushed so far back ,that I can't go back anymore. I just feel like crying a river. I think I need a counsel because I haven't had surgery yet and it already took a tow on me. Well I will be under the knife @ 5:00am, Aug.-1-2008. This day starts the beginning of my battle with ameloblastoma.This is the SANDRA'S STORY.

I have my 1st surgery date (8/22/2008)

Sorry I haven't wrote in a while, I been burying myself in my work so I didn't have to think about my situation. I went to my doctor's appt. July 21 and my surgery will be on Aug.07.My tumor will be remove 2 weeks from now, along with my teeth, so I took a picture. I am so madded. My doctors; DR Cooks and DR Chandor told me that I might have to get 3 small stab incisions on the side of my right jaw, that scarced me. I thought the first surgery would be done inside the mouth only. I was so upset, they perscribed me some anti-anxiety meds. Well I just wanted to give you an update, will write soon.

Finally, People That I Can Relate To !!!!

First of all I want to say, yahoo support group for ameloblastoma rocks. It's the best. I have a beautiful conversation with Tina the other night, it really, really helped me because I was feeling down.I keep delaying my surgery, as if I'm waiting for a miracle, or wishing to get a phone call telling me, "Your tumor is gone, your teeth are spared, no surgeries." Deep down I know I have to have surgery soon, there is just no way of getting around it. I asked Tina,"How do you prepare yourself, to walk thur the hs door for surgery?" How do I tell myself, it will be o. k., when I feel like you are dying in the inside of fear, of the uncertain. I am so, so scare and so, so mad. I guess I am only in the anger stage of the grieving process, I mean I just got over the the shock stage. Next I will be bargaining with GOD.If someone would ask me, at this moment, "How Do I Feel?" I feel like a small child, lost, all along in a big mall, looking for mama. I feel like I have fallen in a big deep, dark hole, and I am calling out for help and no one comes. I know this sound insane, I am just trying to understand everything. I should be grateful that I do not have cancer, because my situation could be a whole lot worst. For heaven sake, I work with really sick clients in CCU, but it's different when it's you. If the tumor was on another part of my body, it would be a little better, but it's my face.I know I am not along, thanks to my friends from the support group. I will be o.k., I am having a hard time working thur this emotionally, as you can see. My next doctor's appt. is July 21, we will schedule my surgery on this date and I will not reschedule it, I promise. I will get thur this. Like my title says, I will take my life back and win my battle with ameloblastoma.

New Job (7/24/2008)

Hi, I been busy lately. I started my new job as an RN last week after working in communications for 13 yrs. I am working in critical care. How funny, I been doing nurse tech. work for 2 yrs, and I never had 1 client with ameloblastoma. I wonder what's the ratio. I told my new boss about my upcoming surgery in Aug., I don't think she was too pleased. I wonder how long I will be out of work after my surgery? I want to know if it's normal for the place in my mouth where my biopsy was done and my tooth removed to swell up like an egg, and hurt 4 wks later. Well I got to go get ready for work tomorrow. I will write again soon.

Why Me? (written 7/14/2008)

Today I have really been thinking about my life. I been in school for 4 Yrs, my 27 yr old brother was murder March 30, 2008, and now I have ameloblastoma. WHY ME, why I was the chosen one? I feel like my life is spinning out of control and no one understand. Not anyone that I know (my family and friends) anyway, because I have this rare tumor growing in my mouth and I am 1 in 10 million rt. A couple of day ago one of my friends when to my MD appt. with me. A model of my head with the tumor on it come in. My tumor consumes my whole rt side at the bottom of my jaw and the front. My friend had the nerves to tell me that my tumor was not that big. WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! Lets trade places. She said "I am over exaggerating". I can't believe she said that. I am about to loose all my bottom teeth except 3, I will need speech therapy, my face will be sunking on the rt. side, I will have numbness for the rest of my life, there is a chance of complications and sat back, and GOD ONLY knows what else will happen, and she thinks I am exaggerating. That hurted my feelings. I hope to get some responds because I do not personally know anyone with ameloblastoma and anything you can tell me will help. I just feel so down and out. I feel like a little kid in a mall, lost and scared, looking for my mommy.

Class of 2008 ( written 6/25/2008)

A week after I gradated from Nursing school, I found out I had AMELOBLASTOMA.

My Family (written 6/24/2008)

This is my family from left to rt is my cousin, son, huband, and the shortest one is my baby girl.